I got out of the tub tonight "my god, youve lost weight" is the first thing my mom said to me. Good.
Someones noticed.
ive managed to strip off 10 pounds without anyone noticing untill now.
I havnt noticed, i look in the mirror and pinch whats hanging off my bones and manage to hate myself more and more each time, its a girl thing, im sure. but i just do it and think "god whats wrong with you?! like its hard to lose 20 pounds. its not. people do it all the time. youre fat today"
its not true. im not fat. i know im not, but i think it. and i pinch my fat. always.

I remember the time when B asked me if one of my "ex"'s - if you will- had the right to brag as much as he did. I smiled. Looked into the distance and giggled "yes, ohh yes he did". This frustrated B, i know. he didnt talk for a period of time after and when he did he was mad, mad that i said it, but he asked it, and i was just being honest... he was jealous i supposed, for the right reasons too.
I figure, if there IS a thin line between love and hate, I frequently crossed it with B. and by the end of it, i cant say it was accidental. he was the most wonderful person to piss off, and now i realize it, i can push his buttons till he just went over the edge.
I adore hating people.


Personal note:
I gained weight.
STOP!!

Ah,
so i just finished reading a book which stimulated me to write more. its a journal type book, and so touching about a drug user. "Go ask Alice" is the title, and its such a sad book, but very much enjoyable.
i guess i can begin to say that life was drama free and some how B manages to ruin that all ahain, as per usual... saying rotten things about me that are not true, and saying innocent things about himself that are as untrue as the things he is telling me. I couldnt be bothered by these things, i havent got the time, and not once have i gotten the urge to cry uncontrolably, only the urge to slit his troat from ear to ear... and i guess he is lucky im not legally able to drive. He can tell the world im absolutly crazy and that i said things i didnt, but i know they are not true, and most people know hes a kniving lying bastard, anyways. But in his sick ways he still manages to make me hate myself more than before and i seek to lose 15 pounds.
Im dating. really dating. its fantastic, and new, and thrilling, and frighting all at once. the pane from my previous relationships seems to haunt me that he may do the same, although im sure he adores me the way i adore him. I could lose myself with him im sure, its so casual, and non.... well i cant really think of a good word. but its exhillerating and enjoyable. I get to know him more and more everyday. its such an excellent friendship that we have, we talk a lot and understnad a lot. his insicurites (although not bared as much as mine) are overwhelming for him as well. i gues at this age thats all we have to be sure of though, our insecurities... i smile at him often . I think he dislikes my unability to serious, but appreciates my uplifiting and outgoing spirit.

ill write again soon.
promise.