This life i live is so dramatic. i was talking to J and she said that it seemed like it was more than one person would go threw in a life time.
I miss J.
today i took a hard fall. I wont lie. it hurts me a lot to hear about B with someone eles (V) so soon and writing about her the same way he did to me.. he is so happy. as much as i dont want him, its the awkward jealously that kills me and eats me up inside to the point i wish i could just drop dead.
me and my old friend K. (shes pretty much the one girl who understands 100% about everything) We were talking about how sometimes we think about doing something stupid to hurt ourselves just so we can put the blame and guilt on someone else.. someone who has hurt us. i always thought about it. but i never told anyone. K understood though... as much as we both know you cant blame someone for your emotions and actions, it always seemed like something that would relieve stress.
School is coming soon. and with all this stress from B and everything else, i dont know what im going to do. ill admit to the fact that my self confidence is at an all time low. with everything i have to do and get involed with, i fear im going to break down... emotionally, i may not be able to handle it.

M stopped by becs today, just to see me. he is very good at understanding how i feel. he read my mind today when he told me i was just stressed out about school coming, and all this with B. Hes absolutly right. but he gave me a hug, and it made things seem that much more easy.

me and Bec talked about everything.. from our feelings.. to rugby.. bec rules.

P has been added to my list of best friends, i told him tonight.

and in other good news.. i had a very good hair day today... and got my second holes done! (Bec got her 4th ones redone!)

Today i saw M in a whole new light. It was a good day, to say the least.
Untill a spider lowered from the roof of the car right in front of my face, i was paralized with fear, lucky for me i didnt feel like such an ass beucase M dosent like spiders either.
B is still trying to rub it in my face that him and V are together. he says he dislikes my blogs to Bec, i think its only for the simple reason that they are honest and he has a serious allergy to honesty.

Bec and I went on a walk today, we always end up trash talking when we walk, i realized that i pretty much love it. we talked a lot about B. I'm scared that once all of this is over and done with, and im completly 100% moved on and over it all, that he will reappear in my life and make me question how i feel.
Poor V. i wish i could tell her... i guess she will find out the hard way, its always the same. Im really upset that im losing friends over this, losing people i love. me and cvanO used to talk and be buds, but now im not able to have that friendship due to this big mess and lies. because thats all this is. B has been trying to cover his ass by putting mine on the line.
allow me to come clean.
i dated M, yes. after me and B broke up! we hung out, he took me out for supper a few times, and i bought ice cream once. but never once was i unfaithful to B. and with all the honesty i have been throwing around, do you think i would lie about this? i loved B. he was not only my best friend, but someone i trusted for one year, and he ruined that becuase he wanted to fuck his ex. thats the truth!
one time i asked him if it was good... to which he responded "we were dating for 3 years.. so we knew each other like the back of our hands.." i quickly answered " good, beacuse i would hate to think it was a waste of time"
Ive really hurt B's ego, the one that he thinks the world revoles around. i am able to make it without him. and its killing him. he's hurt becuase he knows that i am everything he wants and needs. i was his crutch when him and "the ex" broke up, and i am no longer there, i will watch him fall again, and again, but this time, i will glady step on his hands.


in other news..
I saw D today. me and M stopped by the house for a little bit to see what was up. shes looking beautiful, still. and her grad pictures are stunning. im jealous.

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Thanks B! thats all i have to say.
Well i lied. i have a lot more to say than that. Like doesnt a year mean anything to people anymore? all the things i've forgiven, and all the things B has.
All the times we have been able to move on.
No? means nothing?
FUCK HIM.
No need to call me a stoner (B called me a stoner beacause i wanted to get high). V's got that under her belt.
You know, if we are getting down to the truth, i might as well tell you that B has been trying to control my every move since we started dating... or well, to an extent. For some reason i was unable to make any contact with anyone he disliked but he was able to sleep with his ex girlfriend and lay in bed with me in his arms a week later.
So i will say it loud, proud and stong that i will go to saint andrews and i will talk to M and there is nothing B can do.
and is that so wrong?
I know he doesnt like M for reasons which are beyond my grasp. And understanably doesnt like my friends in saint andrews, but does that mean i cannot be friends with them? certainly not.
B always threatened to cut off our friendship if was to talk to either of them, but now, since he's already done that, i have nothing to lose.

So long B.
"I'm cutting ties with all the jealous zombies"

P.s
If youre reading this, thanks for the chat M.
we rule.

Good Sex. Happy Anniversary!
(i put that there because i dont know where my title slot is)

So i called B last night. well, he called me, and too early might i add, 11:15 it was. but i wished him a happy anniversay nonetheless. he was mad at me, i think.. not for a good reason. i told him the news... and im about to tell you too... im still late... yes. real live late. he was more than displeased that after i took my first test i drank...
know why i did?! cuz i though negative, really meant negative.. but now, (2 weeks later) im not so sure.
i forgot to introduce you to V.
B loves her, and tells her all the same things he told me. so thats pretty awesome.
She lives in PEI.
I didnt think she was going to play a role, but she does now.
So last night i told B that its cool that hes moving on, becuas is it.. thats what you are suppost to do. But after he got mad at me for dating M so soon, i thought it was a little unfair, although, i didnt mention that... B told me a couple nights ago that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that i was "the one". I told him i wasnt so sure, considering im only 16. so I told B that he could go ahead and fuck V, becuase i know that things like that dont work out... not that i wouldnt want things to work out, it just sucks that V doesnt know what shes getting into. i dont really know her at all, but i know B, and i know how it works with him. B has been telling V that im just an all over bad person, i think it might be beause i was able to move on, and give his present back, and it bruised his ego... although i didnt mention that either.
so me and D just stick to the basics. talking about how jacked up and blown up this whole thing is.
P has been pretty much awesome through out the whole thing. and very reassuring. like a new best friend.
me and M made a sweet promise to each other, and I plan on keeping it.
i have to visit C.C soon, i think. Bec told me to get her some shit.. "i give you permission to sell yourself for me!"she says (awesome best friend.) although i doubt the "selling" part. i will get it. promise bec!

New blog.
a me blog.
a day to day (or weekly) update on my life..
but first.. Allow me to explain what this is about, and introduce you to important people in my life.

This is Bec.
She's my best friend.
For obvious reasons shes pretty much the best.



















This is B.
My love interest who isn't interested anymore.
We fell in love on a trip to PEI.

:) <--- B.

This is D.
I love her.
She understands and shes beautiful. Duh..














My life is based around these people.
although many more will appear.

P. A very close friend
C.C. an old friend who would listen to me for five hours.
C.vanO Brents room mate/band mate and a good friend of mine.
M. D's brother. aka nicest guys ever born. Crush*.
Mtriv. A friend who I love.
Ben. My locker buddie.
J. My old best friend.
Ma.. self explanatory.

this is the way my life is. Day to day. Starting with what you have to catch up on to understand what will happen in next posts..
...So it begins...

I guess I can begin with how this started. I have a best friend. We met about a thousand years ago in a previous life... And then again 8 years ago. Her name is Bec. Her parents are like mine, and her sister aswell. We share everything.. Except menstral cycles, which is odd.

Then there is B. I pretty much love him. First guy I've ever loved. We were best friends for one year and decided to date... We had awesome sex.

D, she dated B before me. And he was pretty much a dink to her, and now I feel bad for never taking her advice. She understand what I go through seeing as she went through the exact same thing... We gossip about a guy we secretly share.

M. My crush.. Although I love B, M is the next best thing. We were seeing each other briefly after B and I broke up, then I realized things were moving too fast, and I needed to break. He told me he was done with my just today, but good friends don't just disappear.

Allow me to be forward. This is my life, and I want everyone to take a good look and see what's up.

After me and B broke up, a week later I found out he had slept with his ex... All the while he was telling me he wanted to get back with me, I wondered how he could say such things, and then do that behind my back, then I found out, he did it when we were together...

HELLO?!

wow. Best friend. Boyfriend. Sleeping around. Perfect. Then a few weeks later. im late..

and not the late you think.

real live late. I did not get my period late.

and I was real live flipping out. FLIPPING out.

but happily, nothing happened. Took the test. Came back negative. Got drunk.

I met M at work. Well, I met him before work, but he came into work one day and we talked, exchanged numbers and hug out 4 consecutive nights after. He was kind. And never once pressured me. He treated me well. But I realized quickly that things were moving too fast. And I was still hurting from B.

Soon after, me and B started to talk again. hes a good friend. A best friend. And it felt good to have him back in my life, as much as he hurt me. I went to his apartment and we talked. We laughed. The way we were before. And it was the most amazing feeling. He gave me a gift, and we hugged for 10 minutes straight. some things never change.

he loves someone else though... And its not even his ex girlfriend he jeopardized our relationship for.

P and D have been really good to me through the whole thing. They understand. I think B has been feeding Bec a lot of shit.. And since he has never hurt her, she doesn't understand.

Last night I hung out with B, CvanO, and bec. I gave B his present back.

he told me that if I wanted to text M all night, I could go to fuck home, and that the only reason I want to go to Saint Andrews is because I want to make out with my ex.

sorry im not you, B.

Tomorrow is mine and B's one year.. A year ago tomorrow I met him. I plan on calling him.

I'll let you know how it goes.