Its so easy to lose yourself in self obsession. Im obsessed with myself. I don't mean in a good way, either. Im always so worried about how thin I look, so much so that its capable of destroying my relationships... Its awful that on days when I don't feel so great, and I think I look like I have gained weight, I wont allow people to touch me, or to show any affection, its like my own subconscious punishment I give myself.
I don't care how much someone says "You don't have to lose weight", its the most frustrating statement I could possibly hear. They don't understand. I hardly do myself. I so caught up in it, I don't even understand it fully myself. I just long for people to comment (to them a simple statement, to me an ego altering exert) "gosh, you look thin!" and not because right now if someone reads this they will say that, but really genuinely mean it.


God I'd love that.

I got out of the tub tonight "my god, youve lost weight" is the first thing my mom said to me. Good.
Someones noticed.
ive managed to strip off 10 pounds without anyone noticing untill now.
I havnt noticed, i look in the mirror and pinch whats hanging off my bones and manage to hate myself more and more each time, its a girl thing, im sure. but i just do it and think "god whats wrong with you?! like its hard to lose 20 pounds. its not. people do it all the time. youre fat today"
its not true. im not fat. i know im not, but i think it. and i pinch my fat. always.

I remember the time when B asked me if one of my "ex"'s - if you will- had the right to brag as much as he did. I smiled. Looked into the distance and giggled "yes, ohh yes he did". This frustrated B, i know. he didnt talk for a period of time after and when he did he was mad, mad that i said it, but he asked it, and i was just being honest... he was jealous i supposed, for the right reasons too.
I figure, if there IS a thin line between love and hate, I frequently crossed it with B. and by the end of it, i cant say it was accidental. he was the most wonderful person to piss off, and now i realize it, i can push his buttons till he just went over the edge.
I adore hating people.


Personal note:
I gained weight.
STOP!!

Ah,
so i just finished reading a book which stimulated me to write more. its a journal type book, and so touching about a drug user. "Go ask Alice" is the title, and its such a sad book, but very much enjoyable.
i guess i can begin to say that life was drama free and some how B manages to ruin that all ahain, as per usual... saying rotten things about me that are not true, and saying innocent things about himself that are as untrue as the things he is telling me. I couldnt be bothered by these things, i havent got the time, and not once have i gotten the urge to cry uncontrolably, only the urge to slit his troat from ear to ear... and i guess he is lucky im not legally able to drive. He can tell the world im absolutly crazy and that i said things i didnt, but i know they are not true, and most people know hes a kniving lying bastard, anyways. But in his sick ways he still manages to make me hate myself more than before and i seek to lose 15 pounds.
Im dating. really dating. its fantastic, and new, and thrilling, and frighting all at once. the pane from my previous relationships seems to haunt me that he may do the same, although im sure he adores me the way i adore him. I could lose myself with him im sure, its so casual, and non.... well i cant really think of a good word. but its exhillerating and enjoyable. I get to know him more and more everyday. its such an excellent friendship that we have, we talk a lot and understnad a lot. his insicurites (although not bared as much as mine) are overwhelming for him as well. i gues at this age thats all we have to be sure of though, our insecurities... i smile at him often . I think he dislikes my unability to serious, but appreciates my uplifiting and outgoing spirit.

ill write again soon.
promise.

I guess forever means a day...

So i thought about it. it being everything. everything being the situation at hand, and figured im happy for B. or at least im going to suck it up and at least pretend to be happy. for his sake, but more so for mine.... untill he said this:

candace-jane; i guess forever means a day... says:
we are all going out for supper
b* says:
who is we all
candace-jane; i guess forever means a day... says:
me
candace-jane; i guess forever means a day... says:
and d*
candace-jane; i guess forever means a day... says:
and p*
candace-jane; i guess forever means a day... says:
and cvano*
candace-jane; i guess forever means a day... says:
and Bren*
candace-jane; i guess forever means a day... says:
and bec*
b* says:
awesome, i hope you choke

*- Changed full names!

I guess some things never EVER change.

It was M's birthday today! :)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY M! LOVE YA!!!

And its D's birthday tomorrow! :)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY D! I LOVE YOU, YOURE BEAUTIFUL.
we are all going out for supper, hence the conversation i had with B...

Went to D's after school today. We saw P and Bren (B and CvanO's newest roomie, and band mate) after school, since Bren moved here, he wanted to get into school, and hopfully he gets in to HVHS! :) So we made plans to hang out.
So me and D went back to D's house and chilled. M came home, gave him a birthday hug. We talked for a while about Ma(my mommy). He went out with his friends, and me and D went to Mcdonalds. P called and he met up with us. we went back to D's house, called CvanO and Bren, they came over and we all watched a movie.
On the way home (P drove me) me and P talked a lot. hes really awesome. we have gotten really tight, and really care about what he says, and what imput he has. We are becoming really good friends. Im so happy. :)
It was good to be with everyone again. No beef. :) <3.

Super nice convo!

nice convo today with "D"... calling me a slut and that i should go drunk more if i might be pregnant. i have a screen shop of it, and tried to load it, but its not working... its not big enough to read... i dont think it was her though.. but fuck.



Me-Sup sistaaa?
D-Get fucked untill you die
Me-Me?
D-No the other person in this conversation
Me-Um...
Me- ill do what i can, i guess.. why do you say that?
D-nobody likes you
D-you are a liar
D-and a slut
Me-Oh
D-go drink more when you might be pregnanat
D-slut





in other news...
I saw G (ex friend of B.. old friend of mine) today in the mall. it was so nice to see him.. hes the same, as always. i gave him a hug as soon as i saw him. the mall was closing and i didnt want to keep him, but we talked brifly about a lot of things. touched base, and decided that we should probablly hang out in the near furute.


Tonight was a night that ruled all nights. Family friends always rule. sitting around the bonfire, so drunk you dont even know what youre looking at, singing old country songs that made us cry during break ups... Last night of summer, and i wouldnt have it any other way... other than the most wonderful conversation I had when i got home.. Which might I add to, i am NOT pregnant. and am no longer late.
*heavens open and angels sing*
Now that Im dont with that, i can cut ALL ties with B, untill he decided to face the music..

But i guess once you realize you let one of the most promising things/people in your life go, you get a little [a lot] resentful... right B?

Old friends=good old times

Yeah. Love it. i had an old friend stop by. we watched a movie with my sister and talked. Why is it that man can be the best, and the worst listeners? My old friend, though, was an excellent listener. We talked about B mostly, and his ex as well. she kicked in the doors of his BMW. eeek. I told him that the way i feel is that im allowed to get over him and move on, but he isnt. it makes me jealous... or something. He smiled. touched my shoulder. as small as it seemed, it was so reasuring. like he understood. like somebody in this fucked up world understood. and it felt so good. so damn good that someone else other than B was there to listen. B always listened...
and now it seems, as things progress, i just listen to myself.

I miss M... seems like its been a while, even though it hasnt.
I cant wait for school to start again, more time with Bec and D.